Time Stands Still
by DustyMonkey
Summary: Alex Cabot has everything - perfect job, perfect home, perfect fiancee, perfect friends, the perfect life. But when a tragedy strikes a friend, Alex finds herself willing do ANYTHING to save her friend, crossing a major line and unraveling her own perfect life. How will this affect the life she's built with Olivia? Alex/Olivia femslash, Casey/Alex friendship. Rated T.
1. Chapter 1

**This story will be updated weekly or at least bi-weekly. I have five chapters written already. The first chapter is just an introductory, introducing where the characters are in life and establishing their relationships with each other. Stick with it, I promise it will be intense. A tearjerker, drama as well as some fluff. Keep tissues handy but expect to smile too! **

**Set during current season of SVU. Olivia is a detective of course, Alex and Casey are both ADAs still working with the unit. Alex/Olivia and Casey/Amanda are the ships. Focuses on relationship between Olivia and Alex and how the events of this story affect their life together, and also Alex and Casey's friendships. Told from alternating viewpoints of Alex and Casey, mostly Alex.**

**Also a warning - there is a character death.**

I look at the key on my desk for probably the hundredth time today. I still can't believe that it's mine; I can't believe that I'm a homeowner. I never thought that title would apply to me. I had myself convinced that I would be an internal apartment dweller. It's just practical - big city and busy lives equal stacked living.

But that was before my life changed for the better. Ten years ago I was arrogant, career-driven and thought I knew exactly where my life was going. Then I met a brunette detective who changed my perspective on everything. I didn't fully know trust until I met Olivia and slowly let her into my life and eventually my heart. She loves me for who I am, and she's allowed me to grow and change. Our engagement six months ago was the best day of my life. The next best day of my life was when we closed on our house. But number one will be our wedding day.

I guess you could say my life is perfect. I have a job that I excel at and love, I have the best fiancee, I own a house with marble flowers and a backyard swimming pool. I have wonderful friends and co-workers and I'm very well respected in my career. What more could I ask for?

My iPhone buzzs beside me, indicating an incoming text message. It startles me and I scramble to read the message. A smile plays across my lips as I realize it's from my detective. "_I'm outside the office. Join me for lunch? I have news to share!"_

The call I was about to return can wait. Smiling, I grab my jacket and hurry out of the office. One of my colleagues tries to stop me in the lobby, but I brush her off. Work can wait; Olivia can't. I sure never thought I'd be saying those words.

I see Olivia before she sees me. She's wearing her black coat and a blue stocking cap that she looks adorable in. I am convinced that there is nothing cuter in this world than Olivia in a winter hat. I dare you to challenge me.

She's looking down at her phone so she doesn't see me approaching, which gives me the element of surprise. A devilish grin breaks out across my face as I raise my voice and shout, "Hey, Benson!"

She looks up, her eyes wide. As soon as she sees that it's me her arms around me and she's peppering kisses on my neck. I can smell her white musk perfume and I take a deep breath to take her in. It's freezing outside, but Olivia is so, so warm. It feels toasty and safe in her arms.

We break apart and Olivia takes my hand. I find myself beaming proudly. Just the simple act of holding hands gives me such a deep indescribable pleasure. It makes me realize that it's amazing how much one person can change you. Ten years ago I was cold and didn't allow myself to get close to people. When Olivia and I started dating, I shunned public displays of affection. I thought it made me look weak and unprofessional. Olivia has shown me what love is supposed to be like. The person I am today is the not the person I was ten years ago; it's the person Olivia has made me, and the person I was always meant to be.

"What's the news?" I ask eagerly as we start to walk down the sidewalk towards the sandwich shop where we usually meet for lunch.

Olivia's eyes scan our surroundings. "Did you invite Casey? Is she joining us?"

I shake my head, raising my eyebrows. "No, she's in court. Why? Are you two bickering again? I won't be roped into being your referee again."

If you had told me two years ago that Casey Novak would someday be my best friend, I would have laughed right in your face. I won't mince words - I hated Casey when she returned to the DA's office following her suspension and censure. I found her to be a know-it-all, annoying and overall incompetent. It took me a long time to even give her a chance. And after I did, we became fast friends. I realized that Casey is interesting, driven, smart and just as dedicated to her work as I am. She may have a different approach to the job than I do, but that's what makes her so good. And she's the only person I have ever worked with who challenges me and calls me out on my crap. She's honest with me and tells me flat out when I'm being a bitch. I can be myself around her, and she makes me laugh. I talk to her about everything. I'm surprised she hasn't gotten sick of hearing about Olivia.

"No, we're not fighting. But I do have something to tell you. Something she can't hear."

Now I'm curious. "What?"

A smile spreads across Olivia's face. "Amanda bought her a ring."

I actually stop in my tracks. Amanda and Casey have been together for about a year and while they are such an unlikely couple, they are absolutely adorable and I couldn't be happier for both of them that they have each other. And apparently I'm about to be happier.

"A ring? As in, an engagement ring?" I ask dumbly.

"That would be it. And you should see it - what a beauty!" Olivia says excitedly. "I'm the only one who knows. She showed it to me in the crib. You should have seen how excited she was."

I can't stop smiling. Casey is going to be thrilled! I know she is going to say yes. Casey has been helping me plan my wedding for months now; now I can help her.

"Oh my god, Olivia!" I exclaim happily. "Casey is going to be crazy happy!" I'm so excited I can hardly contain myself. "When is she going to propose?"

"I don't know. She's trying to find the perfect way." Olivia realizes how excited I am and adds, "Don't you dare tell her, Alex!"

"I won't! I wouldn't think of spoiling that surprise."

Olivia looks unconvinced. "Alex, I'm serious. Casey can tell when you're keeping a secret, just like I can. You have to act like nothing is going on. I know you. You're going to drop hints until she figures it out. Amanda didn't even want me to tell you because she was convinced you wouldn't be able to keep it from her."

"Have more faith in me than that, babe," I tell her, giving her a kiss as we reach the sandwich shop. "I won't let on that I know anything."

"You'd better keep it a secret, counselor," Olivia teases. "Invoke the right to remain silent."

I hold my finger to my lips to indicate silence as we enter the sandwich shop. This is such good news. In the midst of my life being happy, my friends are happy as well. Life couldn't get any better.

**Please leave a review and let me know what you think so far. Update will be in a week or maybe less, depending on the interest. **


	2. Chapter 2

**Glad some of you are liking this! It's going to be a very emotional story. Here is chapter 2. Hope you enjoy!**

I've got a lot on my mind when I get home from work that evening. One of my cases that I was sure would plead out didn't, so that means more work on top of what I already have for this week. I was hoping to be able to be out of here early on Friday; Olivia has the weekend off and I'm taking her on a surprise trip to my parent's townhouse in the Hamptons.

Casey's car is in the driveway when I pull in and I find myself smiling and remembering the secret I have to keep from her. She often comes over after work and we'll do paperwork or watch a movie together until Olivia and Amanda get out of work.

I can't keep the smile off my face as I go inside. I'm so excited over the idea of Amanda proposing to Casey. Casey is going to be so deliriously happy and it's going to be so fun to plan her wedding with her, just as she has helped me with my own. Amanda adores Casey and watching the two of them together is just the cutest thing. They are very affectionate with each other, and that fact surprised me about Amanda. She never struck me as the affectionate type. When we all go to dinner together, neither of them can keep their hands to themselves. They're perfect for each other and I couldn't be happier that Amanda is going to propose.

As usual, I find Casey in the living room sitting on the couch in front of my big screen TV. She waves and smiles as I enter the living room. "You know Casey, I don't think you ever come to visit me. I think you just come to visit my seventy inch TV."

"You're right. If you had a forty inch, you'd never see me. I think you just got that huge thing so I would come and hang out with you."

I laugh a bit as I take off my suit jacket. "Well, you got me. Shows how desperate I am for friends." Little does Casey know that I ordered the very same seventy inch for her and Amanda as a Christmas gift and it will be delivered to their apartment in two weeks. What a great way to celebrate their engagement.

I leave Casey and go into the bedroom to change my clothes. I'm tired and I know I won't be leaving the house again tonight, so I just grab a pair of old jeans and one of Olivia's oversized NYPD sweatshirts and throw those on. I love wearing Olivia's sweatshirts. They're always warm and smell just like her.

I head back towards the kitchen and see that Casey has already helped herself to the pizza in the fridge that was meant to be for our movie night that she never showed up for.

"Doesn't Amanda feed you?" I ask, shaking my head as Casey walks by me towards the sofa with her plate of pizza.

She takes a bite, grins and then says, "Not food."

"Casey! Ew!" I object, stifling a laugh.

Casey bursts out laughing. "I'm sorry. Was that an overshare?"

"Not for you!"

She puts the plate down on the coffee table and then comes back into the kitchen to fetch the Parmesan cheese. I grab the can from the cabinet and hand it to her.

"The pizza was for you anyway," I tell her. "For our movie night last night - which you didn't show up for." I sigh, feigning insult. "Your text message made it perfectly clear that you had something else planned. Choosing sex instead of your best friend? Classy, Casey."

"Hey, it wasn't just _sex._ It was sex with Amanda Rollins," she says with a grin and I can't help but smile. It's so cute how much those two love each other.

"All right, you're forgiven." I close the cabinet above my head and turn to Casey. "Olivia is working late; what do you say we catch up on _Once Upon a Time_? We have two episodes to watch on my DVR."

Casey smiles. "Sounds perfect!"

_Once Upon a Time_ is our favorite show. We both never miss an episode and we always watch together. It's Casey's fault I'm obsessed with the show. She got me into it last winter when I was home from work for a week following an appendectomy. She had brought over her Blu-Ray box sets of seasons one and two and despite my objections made me watch. I was instantly hooked and Casey ended up leaving the sets with me so I could watch. I'm ashamed to say I finished the first two seasons that week. That's the most TV I have ever watched.

I take a few slices of the pizza myself and fire the DVR up. Casey's phone buzzs and she smiles as she reads a text message and quickly starts to compose one in return. I know without even asking that it's from Amanda. Only one person can make her smile like that.

"Dirty texts?" I ask with a giggle after Casey places her phone on the table and sits back. I watch her blush and quickly try to think of an excuse. "I knew it!"

"No dirtier than usual," she tells me. "And not as bad as you and Olivia!"

Without even thinking, I blurt out, "How are things with Amanda? Are you two…good?"

Casey looks at me for several minutes, confused as to why I would ask. We always tell each other everything. If I have anything going on with Olivia I always go to Casey and if she has anything going on with Amanda she always comes to me. It goes without saying that we pretty much know all about each other's relationships so it is a little odd of me to ask and I mentally scold myself. She is going to know something is going on.

"Why? Did Amanda say something to Olivia?"

_Yes. Yes she sure did! _I vigorously shake my head. "No! Of course not; I was just asking." I can't look her in the eyes. She's going to know I'm lying to her. But it's not lying, really. It's delaying fantastic news. Fantastic news that _Amanda _needs to deliver to her.

I can tell she's not really buying it; she knows I'm hiding something from her. Olivia is going to be furious with me. Damn it, why did I have to mention Amanda at all?

"Alex, is there something wrong? You would tell me, wouldn't you? If – if Amanda said something to Olivia?"

I can't look someone in the eyes when I'm hiding something from them. Especially not Olivia or Casey. Both of them know me so well that they can read it in my eyes. So I look at my lap and that in itself is a dead giveaway that I'm hiding something. I know I have to say something – _anything – _so my mind spins and spins to come up with something to say to suffice my best friend.

And then finally, I stumble upon it. "I was trying to keep this a secret, but I'm taking Olivia to the Hamptons this weekend. She has the whole weekend off and we need to get away. I was going to ask if you and Amanda wanted to stay here while we're gone. You can enjoy our TV, take a walk..." I grin. "Engage in other activities. Just wash the sheets afterwards!"

It's a brilliant save, and the smile spreading across Casey's face tells me it worked. Maybe I have just provided the venue for the engagement. "That would be great! We'd love to stay here! And it's good you are taking Olivia away; you guys need that." Casey gives me a hug and thanks me for the invitation. "Why were you acting so weird about asking me?"

I shrug. "I don't know. I didn't want it to get back to Olivia; it's supposed to be a surprise."

Casey laughs. "Well unlike you, Alex, I have a poker face."

I laugh along with her and we sit back to enjoy our show. I have a feeling that this is going to be a fantastic weekend for the both of us.

* * *

Olivia gets home about an hour after Casey leaves. I meet her at the door with a kiss and I take off her coat for her. She gives me a sweet smile as she shrugs out of her coat. "Door side coat service - what more could I ask for?" she jokes.

I laugh as we enter the living room where we both plop down on the sofa, holding hands. Olivia always unwinds for about a half hour when she gets home from work. It involves each of us telling the other about their day. "Day was okay, baby?" I ask her.

She nods and leans in, kissing me passionately. "Even better now that I'm home with you. How was yours? What did you do when you got home?"

"Mine was fine; the usual. Casey came over after work."

That warrants raised eyebrows from Olivia. "You didn't tell her..."

"I surely did not. She knows nothing. We watched _Once Upon a Time_ off the DVR and finished off that pizza that was in the fridge. And then after she left I was just awaiting your arrival home."

Olivia looks away from me, apparently finding something on your beige carpet very interesting. "I'm glad we're alone, because there is something I wanted to talk to you about."

My heart nearly stops. Olivia's tone is so serious, so strictly business. It takes a lot to make me nervous. I'm always so collected and so sure of myself. The only thing that can ever make me nervous is Olivia. I'm always so careful around her. She's so much more than I deserve and I'm perpetually afraid she's going to come to her senses and realize it one of these days. What if that day is today?

Olivia looks at me again and all my nervousness dissipates. Olivia's eyes are a window to her soul, and her soul is the most beautiful thing on this planet. The second most beautiful thing would be her brown eyes, which are gazing lovingly at me right now. She keeps me in suspense only a few moments longer before she says, "I got a call from the adoption agency today."

I feel a smile playing at my lips as a rush of emotion surges through me. We have been awaiting a call from the adoption agency for several weeks now. "And?"

Olivia leans forward and takes my hand. "And they want to meet with us next Monday!"

We both squeal happily and throw our arms around each other. I'm so filled with happiness right now as I cling to Olivia and cry happy tears. We both wanted this so much. Our life together is falling into place perfectly. This house, our engagement and now a meeting with the adoption agency. We want to make a family together. We want to share the love we feel for each other with a deserving child who has never known love. And with this news, we are one step closer.

Olivia will be the best mother; I just know it. She'll be the "fun" one and I'll be the one tasked with setting bedtimes and dishing out punishments. We've discussed this before; we know each other so well that our roles as parents are as clear as day.

Olivia never ceases to amaze me. She transformed me from a cold, distant career-driven woman to a domesticated, sappy re-inenvented Alex Cabot who actually smiles at work and practices patience with others. I'm still completely dedicated to my career, but Olivia has made me realize that other aspects of my life are more important. I can have a career and still have a family; I don't have to choose one over the other.

I don't know how clinging to each other crying in happiness about the possibility of getting a child turns into making out on our living room sofa, but somehow it does. Before I realize it, Olivia has undone three buttons on her white blouse and my hand is already on an expedition of her chest. I close my eyes and sharply inhale as she works one hand into my pants and uses the other to unclasp her bra. This woman has so much talent!

I tear off my pants and Olivia does the same and suddenly we're in our panties, me straddling Olivia and both of us nearly toppling off the sofa. I lower myself down so our stomachs are pressed against each other and I smooth Olivia's hair back, planting a kiss to her forehead. "I love you so damn much, Olivia. I love our life. I don't ever want anything to change."

Olivia leans up and captures my lips with mine and when the kiss ends, she whispers, "It never will. It will only get better."

**So what do you think? Too bad their lives won't be perfect for long :( Next chapter a lot starts to happen. Leave me a review and let me know what you think!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Glad I have some fans :) I've written quite a few chapters as of now; I'm really into this story. It's starts to get exciting/emotional now. Hope you enjoy this chapter! This story is mostly told from Alex's POV, but it will switch to Casey's for some parts. First part of this chapter is told from Casey's, as it is necessary to establish her relationship with Amanda.**

CASEY

_"Come home immediately. It's urgent_." I look again at the text message from my girlfriend, my heart catching in my throat. I grip the steering wheel of my car so tightly that my knuckles almost whiten. It's not like Amanda to be so serious in a text message. We usually go back and forth and call each other pet names, sickening anyone who happens to read our messages. But this is different; much different.

I knew something was going on. Alex is terrible at hiding information from people she cares about. I knew Olivia - or perhaps Amanda - had spoken to her about our relationship. But I chose to believe Alex when she told me that was not the case. She has never lied to me before and I never thought she would do so now.

I make the long trek from the parking lot to our apartment building, my thoughts filled with Amanda. She's the best thing that's ever happened to me and it would kill me to lose her.

I was always just floating along the sea of life, struggling to find my place, until I met Amanda. At first I found her difficult to get to know; she's extremely private and not very social. But her dedication and passion for her job drew me in. After a couple late nights in my office tying up loose ends on one of her cases, I realized we were becoming friends. I started to call her "Amanda" instead of "Rollins". We started to spend time together outside of work. Amanda had confided in me that she rarely went out; I quickly changed that.

I can't pinpoint exactly when I realized I had romantic feelings for Amanda, but I think it was around the same time Amanda discovered her own feelings. We would exchange glances whenever I would see her at the precinct, and one evening Amanda got up the courage to ask me if I'd ever date a woman. I had been shocked out of my mind and my response had been, "No, I wouldn't." I had watched her face fall in disappointment until I smiled and added, "I would only date the most beautiful woman in the world, which just happens to be you."

That was well over a year ago, and we've been going strong ever since. Amanda is the most incredible person on this planet. She's beautiful, caring, independent and strong-willed. She's been through a lot in her life and still struggles with addiction, but I make sure I always go with her to her meetings. She's told me several times that she couldn't do it without me. I don't think she gives herself enough credit and gives me too much.

Alex had always been on my case about making a move on Amanda. I talked about my feelings for Amanda often and Alex always tried to convince me that Amanda felt the same way. I was so grateful to have Alex to talk to; she's the best friend a person could ever ask for. She gives great advice and is always there when I need her. Alex is one of those people who you can't help but be in awe of. She's amazing, really. I don't think I ever told her this, but she inspires me every day and she's what I aspire to be. I'm so thankful to have her as a friend. She's the one who gave me the courage to tell my parents about Amanda; she even went with me when I decided it would be better to come out to them in person. They hadn't taken it well; my father had said he was deeply disappointed in my "choices". We had argued and my parents told me they didn't want to see me or Amanda around. It had been Alex who had stood up to them and told them that cutting me out of their lives was "their loss".

Alex can be stubborn and a little cold at times, but she only appears that way to people who don't know her. Once you break down those walls and get to know the real Alex, you discover that she's a wonderful, compassionate person. I know I can tell her anything. Her friendship means so much to me, and I know the feeling is mutual. After all, who else is going to let Alex know when she is in a bitchy mood? I think I'm the only person who can tell Alex she is being a bitch to someone - in those words - and have her apologize and not get angry in the least bit.

My mind is still racing as I enter our apartment. I expect to find Amanda seated on the couch, anxiously waiting to confirm my deepest fears. But she's nowhere to be found. Our apartment is quite small so there's only a handful of places she could be. I hang my coat up and walk through the living room. "Amanda? Are you home? I got your text."

She doesn't respond so I wander into the kitchen and sigh as I find it empty as well. My nervousness is increasing and I lean against the counter, pulling out my phone and texting Amanda. I can't understand why she isn't home. Her being out of work this early is unheard of and I had raced home from the office right after receiving her text. So where is she?

I wait a few minutes and when Amanda doesn't answer, I head down the hall and towards our bedroom. I open the door and go in, as I do every day.

But I stop dead in my tracks as soon as I enter the bedroom. There, on our bed, is Amanda. She's leaning seductively against the pillows, wearing nothing but skimpy black lace lingerie. Rose petals are spread out all over the bed, the light is dimmed and several candles are it. She looks absolutely amazing and I can't take my eyes off her or move from where I'm standing. Amanda sexily moves her bare legs, drawing my eyes to them. "Hello gorgeous," she whispers in her sexy Southern drawl, raising her eyebrows at me. "Just going to stand there and stare?" She moves her hand down her thigh and I have to close my eyes to stifle a moan. "Don't you want to touch?"

Oh god, do I ever! This is nothing like I was expecting. I had been prepared to have my heart broken tonight. Instead, I have the most beautiful woman in the world wanting me to touch her.

I'm still too astonished to speak, so I simply nod and sit down on the bed. Amanda immediately moves to me and makes quick work of my suit jacket; it's off in under ten seconds. "You're inappropriately attired, sweetheart." She slides her hand into my blouse, popping two buttons right off. "Opps," she giggles.

It's my favorite blouse. But I don't care. I lie back against the pillows and pull Amanda against me, enjoying the feel of her warm body against mine. Our heartbeats always seem to be in sync. Amanda kisses my neck as I struggle to completely remove my blouse. It's very difficult when your beautiful girlfriend is all over you.

"What has gotten into you?" I ask in amusement. I love this side of Amanda. It's a side only I get to see and that makes me feel very special.

She pulls away from me, holding her face mere inches from mine. "Hopefully you, and hopefully soon."

I'm completely turned on now. I grab Amanda and go to pull her down on me, but she resists. She shakes her head and grins, sitting Indian-style on the bed. I groan and match her position. "Don't be a tease, Amanda."

"I don't intend to be. But I want tonight to be special. Before we get involved in - certain bed sports - there's something else I have to do." She reaches down and takes my hand, meeting my eyes and giving me that warm loving feeling I always get when I look at her. "I have told you this before, but I feel the need to say it again. You have made me happier than I ever thought possible, Casey. I never really had a life before you. I had work, more work, sister drama, work again, gamblers anonymous meetings, even more work. It's how I filled my days and to be honest, it was a pretty sad existence. But then this redhead came into my life. She was smart and determined, and I admired her from the day I met her. I thought she was beautiful in every way. She had overcome a lot just like I had, and her confidence in herself was almost as attractive as she was. I loved her; I knew it long before I was ever able to say it."

Amanda's voice breaks and she has to clear her throat. I'm so touched by her words. I feel tears stinging at my own eyes as I say, "Do I know this redhead?"

"Let me talk, Casey. Please don't interrupt." I apologize and she quickly gets back at it. "That redhead is you. I love you, Casey. I love everything about you. I love how you can't keep your office organized and swear every week that you're going to start. I love how you laugh so often and easily. I love how you find humor and beauty in everyone and everything. I love the way your hair gets wavy when you let it air dry, and how you hate that but you always dry it that way for me. I love the way your emerald green eyes sparkle when you talk about your job, and I love the way I fit so easily in your arms. I love the way we can talk about anything. But mostly, I just love you." Before I can respond at all, Amanda pulls an object from underneath the pillow. It's so quick that I can't see what she has until she's holding it right in my face. "Make me the happiest woman in the world for the rest of my life. Will you marry me, Casey?"

This is the happiest moment of my life. It actually feels like my heart is going to explode as I cover my mouth with my hands and let tears run down my face. I'm staring at the most beautiful ring I have ever laid eyes on, the diamond stone catching the candlelight just right and sparkling. I'm nodding so quickly that I'm afraid I'll snap my neck. "Yes - yes, yes, yes, yes!"

A smile spreads across Amanda's face as she removes the ring from the velvet box and slides it on my finger. We both admire it as Amanda runs her hand up my arm. I struggle to breathe; I'm crying so hard I can barely contain myself. I have never cried in happiness before. "It's so beautiful, Amanda. I - I love you so much!"

I can't finish the thought, but I don't need to. Amanda knows; she feels it too. She grabs me and pulls me close to her, letting me cry on her shoulder. I can hear Amanda's voice drip with emotion as she promises, "I'll always take care of you, Casey. Always."

And I know it's true, every word. We'll always take care of each other.

* * *

ALEX

I've been smiling all day; I have every reason to smile. My life is on the course I always wanted it to be on. Olivia and I are meeting with an adoption agency on Monday, my best friend got engaged last night so now we can share in wedding excitement together, and I have a great weekend planned for my Olivia. Amanda and Casey are coming over after to stay while Olivia and I are gone. My plan is to have our bags packed for the trip and to take Olivia completely by surprise. We both really need this weekend.

Casey couldn't wait to show me her ring this morning. Of course I had been her first phone call last night after Amanda proposed. I had acted like I was surprised and listened while she went into detail – too much detail – on how Amanda proposed. Then she came over to our house before either Olivia or I were even showered and was bursting with so much excitement she could barely contain herself. Olivia had already seen the ring of course, but I hadn't. And it's beautiful; I couldn't be happier for Casey. She's been showing it off to our colleagues at work all day. Reminds me exactly of myself when Olivia proposed to me.

I'm thinking about Olivia and our wonderful lives together while walking down the hall towards my office. And suddenly, as if my thoughts summoned her there, I see Olivia. She's standing a few feet away, and sees me the same time I see her. A smile instantly forms on my face but falls when I realize she isn't smiling. She doesn't move towards me to hug me as she usually does. She stands cemented where she is as I go to her.

"Olivia?" I ask in concern. I reach out and place my hands on her shoulders. Her eyes are red and puffy, a dead giveaway that she's been crying. I'm immediately terrified and I feel my breath hitches in my throat. "Oh my god, what's wrong?"

It takes her a few moments to be able to tell me. I take her by the arm and lead her into an empty conference room. I know that whatever she is going to tell me has to be said in private. I lock the door so no one can disturb us.

I've got my arm around Olivia as we both sit down. She's softly crying, but trying to hold herself together. I'm growing more and more nervous with every passing second. I hold Olivia's hand in mine and say softly, "Talk to me, baby; what's going on? What happened?"

She raises her eyes to mine when she is finally able to speak. She clasps my hand and says my name several times very softly. I rub her back soothingly and encourage her to open up, to tell me what has her so upset.

"It's Amanda," Olivia finally says, her voice barely above a whisper. Any lower and I wouldn't have heard her.

I swallow the knot that has suddenly formed in my throat. "What about Amanda?"

Olivia meets my eyes, hers shining with unshed tears. After a few long seconds, she says, "She was shot, Alex."

I feel a mixture of emotions; relief that nothing is wrong with my Olivia, and fear and sadness about my friend Amanda. I swallow a few more times and ask, "Is it…bad?" Olivia nods and I let out the breath I didn't even know I was holding as I discover that my hands are shaking. I let go of Olivia and scramble to my feet, sighing and running a hand nervously through my hair. "Okay. Okay." I take a deep breath. "Casey is in court. I'll go get her and make sure she gets to the hospital."

I make a quick movement for the door when Olivia grabs my wrist and stops me. I meet her gaze and she sadly shakes her head, another tear making its way down her cheek and leaving a trail behind. "No, Alex. She didn't make it."

It feels like someone just punched me in the stomach and I actually have to grab onto the table to keep from falling over. There must be something wrong with my hearing; it sounded like Olivia told me that Amanda was dead. But that couldn't be. Amanda is our friend. She's my best friend's fiancée. She just got engaged _last night_. She _can't _be gone. She _can't _be.

"Alex. Alex."

Before I can register what is happening, Olivia is crouching in front of me calling my name softly. Her soft brown eyes are sad and concerned and I feel the warmth of her hand in mine. My pulse is racing and I feel myself crying, momentarily confused as to what is happening. As my mind accepts what Olivia has just told me, I slowly come back to reality. I'm in the conference room. Olivia is with me. I was just told that Amanda is dead.

I realize that I'm on the floor, my back pressed firmly against the wall. I take several deep breaths to calm myself and allow Olivia to help me into a standing position. She looks at me with deep concern and pulls out a chair, motioning for me to sit down. I oblige.

"Alex, I'm sorry," is all Olivia says. What else can she say, really?

Suddenly, I think about Casey. My best friend is in court right now and has no idea that her fiancée was shot and killed. She's going to be devastated. I feel sick when I think about her and how sad she's going to be; I know how horrible I would feel if I lost Olivia. I quickly sit up in the chair and move to get up. "Casey – Casey doesn't know – "

"I was just going to tell her, Alex. I wanted to let you know first."

I'm shaking my head vigorously and I finally stand with Olivia's support. "No. You can't tell her."

Olivia smiles lightly, taking my hand again. "Sweetheart, I know you'd love to spare her from this, but you can't. She has a right to know."

I shake my head again. She's getting the wrong idea. "No – I mean _you _can't tell her." I swallow harshly. "It has to be me. I should be the one to tell her."

Olivia doesn't seem fond of this idea. "Alex, I don't think that's – "

I hold my hand up, effectively cutting her off. "She's my best friend, Olivia. I have to tell her." Olivia still seems unsure. "Elliot was your best friend. Wouldn't you have insisted you be the one to tell him if something had happened to Kathy?"

Olivia slowly looks up at me. I know she needs no further convincing now. Elliot was the best friend Olivia ever had; they shared quite a bond. She would have done anything for her. Olivia hesitantly nods and squeezes my hand. "Do you want me to at least come with you?"

I shake my head, holding back a fresh set of tears that are threatening to come. "She doesn't need an audience for this."

Olivia smiles sadly and slowly releases my hand. I nod at her to let her know I'm all right and that I can handle this. And outwardly, I can. I've calmed myself considerably and suppressed my shivers. Inwardly, I'm a mess. My stomach aches and my heart breaks for Casey.

I let my secretary know that I'm going to be unavailable for awhile and I walk the few blocks to the courthouse. The cold air hits me like a ton of bricks; I thought it would be enough to distract me from the task at hand but unfortunately I'm still walking through this nightmare as I enter the courthouse.

I flash my ADA badge and breeze through security, not stopping to make small talk this time. Thankfully me being unfriendly isn't unusual so no one even gives me a second look as I take the elevator to the second floor. When the doors slide open, I hesitate to get off. I think about what I'm about to do – I'm about to ruin my best friend's life. She is never going to be same after this. She loved Amanda so much. I had never seen someone so happy about becoming engaged. Amanda made her always smile and laugh, and I'm about to take that from her. It's almost too much for me and I almost hit the elevator button again and resign to let Olivia deliver the bad news herself. But I can't do that to Casey. If it were me in Casey's place, Casey would be strong enough to tell me herself. She would be there for me; so I have to be there for her.

I finally step out of the elevator and make my way down the hall, stopping in front of the door that reads "Court in session". My hand rests on the handle but I hesitate; I just can't go in there. I wish I was stronger. But I'm not.

I fall down onto the bench and attempt to keep my tears at bay. I don't like to let anyone besides Olivia see me cry. But right now it seems I don't have a choice.

Not even five minutes after I sit down, the courtroom doors open. People start pouring out and the hallway fills with voices. I wipe at my eyes frantically and scan the crowd. No one seems to be paying the least bit of attention to me and for that I'm thankful.

But then it happens. A cheerful, bubbly voice shouts, "Alex!" and I look up just in time to see Casey approaching me. She's wearing her usual smile but when I don't smile back her face quickly falls. She brushes her hair out of her face and I catch a glimpse of her ring on her finger; that just breaks me I inhale sharply to keep from breaking down completely as Casey sits beside me. "Alex, what's wrong? You've been crying." She puts her hand on my arm and that action makes me feel worse. Casey is concerned about me, and it's her who is not okay. "Alex, talk to me."

What the hell is wrong with me? I'm always so confident and sure of myself, so in charge. And right now when my best friend needs me the most, it's _her _who is comforting _me. _How selfish can I get? I have to find the strength to get through this moment, because Casey is going to need me.

It takes me a few minutes, but finally I feel some of my confidence returning. It's enough to make me stand and so does Casey, not really knowing what she should be doing at the moment. I force myself to look her in the eyes and I say, "Casey…I need to talk to you."

I already know this is going to be the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

**So what do you think? How devastating would it be to lose your fiancee the day AFTER you got engaged? Did Alex make the right choice to tell her herself, or should it have been Olivia? What do you think will happen now? Please leave me a review and let me know what you think!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hope everyone had a good Christmas! Been a busy week for me, but here is your update. I will update my other stories by the middle of the week.**

Finding a place where Casey and I can speak in private proves difficult. Casey follows along behind me like an obedient puppy as I open the door to a courtroom on the left. It should be empty; there is no 'in session' sign.

We enter, and I immediately spot two people to the left. It's a young man and woman, and the jump away from each other as they hear us enter. When I see their shocked and terrified faces, it's pretty apparent to me that they are interns; and even more apparent what they had been doing. I shake my head; I don't have time for this. "You two - out," I bark at them.

My tone leaves no room for argument, and the woman mutters an apology as they scurry by us and out the door. As the door closes, I swallow harshly. My back is to Casey and I'm not sure I have the strength to turn around and look at her. I'm about to destroy her life, and I'm not sure I can.

"Alex," Casey speaks softly, her voice full of concern. She reaches out and squeezes my wrist. "Talk to me; tell me what's going on." I force myself to turn and face her. She's smiling at me, inviting me to open up to her. "You know you can tell me anything."

This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Casey is one of the most kind-hearted people I know. She cares so much for other people, and little about herself. I thought it should be me who tells her about Amanda; I thought I was the right person. But I was wrong. I can't look into her eyes and break her heart.

But I know I have to.

Casey is still waiting for me to respond, so I gesture to nearby chairs. We sit down and I clear my throat, trying to clear away the emotion. "I thought this would be easier. You're my best friend; I thought I could do this. But I'm not sure..." I have to clear my throat again. "I'm not sure I can."

Casey doesn't hesitate a moment. She puts her hand over mine and says, "You are the strongest person I know. You can do anything. And you're right; I am your best friend. Which means I'll be there for you no matter what you have to tell me. Now just tell me, Alex."

I can't put it off any longer. I take a deep breath, feeling tears stinging at my eyes. Then I say, "Olivia came to see me back at the office. And she told me something." I'm getting choked up again and I have to dab my eyes with my arm.

"Oh my god, what happened with Olivia?" Casey asks, fear evident in her voice. That just makes this all the more difficult. She's trying to be there for _me_ when it is _her _who is going to need the support.

I shake my head. "Nothing. Olivia is fine. It wasn't about Olivia, Casey. It was about Amanda."

Casey's eyes go wide and she looks at me. I can't read the expression on her face, but I'm pretty sure she's terrified now. "What about Amanda?" I take a deep breath and close my eyes. Maybe when I open them again, I'll find myself in my bed and this will all be a nightmare. But no. When I open my eyes again, Casey is still staring at me, her green eyes full of question. "Alex! What about Amanda?"

"She was shot," I quickly rush out.

Casey turns away from me, staring straight ahead. I can tell she's gauging how bad this is, and the way I'm acting is giving away that it's bad. When she looks back at me, there are tears in her eyes. "Why aren't we on our way to the hospital?"

She knows the answer to the question; I know she does. I can read it in her eyes. But she wants me to confirm it; she NEEDS me to confirm it. So I softly say, "Because she didn't make it, Casey."

I sit there helplessly while my best friend falls apart. She starts to cry, leaning forward and covering her face with her hands. Her shoulders are heaving and she keeps saying Amanda's name over and over again.

I feel so heartbroken right now; I can't imagine how she feels. If Olivia was ever killed, I would be devastated. I don't think I would ever be able to get past it. Olivia is part of who I am, just as Amanda was part of who Casey is.

"Casey...I am so, so sorry." I put my hand on her back in a desperate attempt to comfort her. But there's nothing I can do to make this better, and I know it. I have never felt more helpless in my life.

Casey moves away from me and shakes her head. She says one word, "Don't," and I immediately move my hand. Her not wanting to be touched right now is completely understandable. She removes her hands from her face, but she's still crying. Without a word she stands up, so I do too. "I - I have to go," she manages to mumble and makes a break for the door.

I grab her wrist and intercept her before she can run out. "Casey - wait. Let me take you home. You don't need to be running around on your own. You can stay with me and Liv for a few days; the guestroom is all ready."

Casey shakes her head, and I watch more tears cascade down her cheeks. Her eyes are red and puffy and she's near hysterical again. "Just leave me alone. This is unfixable."

She twists her wrist out of my grip and runs out the door. I want to go after her, but I know she needs her privacy. She needs some time to herself to come to terms with this. I extended the invitation to her to stay with us; the ball is now in her court. When she's ready, she'll accept.

I leave the building feeling like the worst person on the planet. I didn't shoot Amanda, but I may as well have.

* * *

I'm surprised to find Olivia at her desk. She's hunched over her laptop, typing at the keyboard but not seeming very engaged. Her eyes are still red and she looks up and stands as I approach. "Alex - "

I don't let her finish. I throw my arms around her and sob. She holds me tightly as I let out all my emotions, talking soothingly to me and telling me she loves me.

I've done a lot of things in my career, but standing in the precinct breaking down in tears is not one of them. I'm usually so guarded with my emotions. But as Olivia stands there holding me, everything and everyone around us just disappears.

It takes several minutes for me to calm myself down. Breathing in Olivia's scent and feeling her strong arms around me is what finally allows me to pull myself together. I pull away from Olivia and she hands me a tissue from her desk. She offers a small smile as I wipe my eyes.

"I-I'm sorry," I tell her. "I couldn't go back to work. I needed to see you."

Olivia nods and puts her arm around my shoulder. "I was waiting for you to call. I already talked to internal affairs about the -" she swallows. "About the shooting. I was going to take the rest of the day off." She leads me to the crib and we go inside, ensuring our privacy. There we sit down on a lower bunk mattress. "How is Casey?"

What a stupid question. I actually laugh. "How do you think she is?" My tone comes out harsher than I intended for it to. Olivia slides her arm around my shoulders and hands me another tissue. "I'm sorry. It was just so hard to tell her."

Olivia nods. "I wish you would have let me be there with you. It wouldn't have made it any easier, but at least you would have had someone with you."

"I wasn't really concerned about myself, Liv. Casey lost her fiancée today. They just got engaged _last night_. She didn't even have a chance to enjoy engagement." It seems so unfair. How could this happen? "How did it happen? Do they have the shooter in custody?"

Olivia hesitates and I have to ask her again. She takes my hand as she explains. "We were partnered up for the day. We went on a call to an apartment in the city; a nineteen year-old female called to report a rape and requested female detectives. The suspect had entered her apartment by claiming to have a package for her. We were sitting in her living room and she told us the suspect fled by using the fire escape. She was able to provide us with a great description and we were about to accompany her to the hospital, when the suspect returned. He was armed. The girl was hysterical and clung to me, and Amanda was able to get to her gun before I could. He had his gun pointed at Amanda, and she had hers pointed at him. She was standing in front of us and I was trying to get to my gun, but I wasn't fast enough. He shot her - one shot to the chest - and fled back out the fire escape." Olivia is becoming choked up as she continues. "The girl was sitting on the floor, screaming. I begged her to call 911, but she was too traumatized. I didn't follow the suspect; I should have. But I didn't. Instead I called for a bus and took off my jacket, trying to stop Amanda from bleeding out. But I knew she wasn't going to make it. There was too much blood, and she was in shock. She kept saying it didn't hurt and that she was cold. And I knew what that meant." She swallows and a tear slides down her cheek. "I think she knew too; the last thing she said to me was, 'Tell Casey -' but she didn't get to finish her thought. She was dead before the bus even got there. I had to come back and shower and change my clothes before I came to you; I was covered in Amanda's blood."

I sit there in shock, absorbing Olivia's awful story. I can't believe this has happened. Olivia had to see it happen; Olivia was THERE. She had tried to stop Amanda's bleeding. I feel sick to my stomach as I realize how easily it could have been Olivia.

"She saved my life, Alex," Olivia says softly, laying her head in my lap. I start to stroke her hair as she breaks down. "Me and that girl. And I couldn't save her. I couldn't even stop her from bleeding." She tries to say she is sorry, but is so overcome with tears that they wrack her body and cause her to shake.

I lay down on the mattress with Olivia and she buries her face into my shoulder. The tears are constant now, and I can't help but join her in crying. I cry because Amanda was my friend. I cry because she saved my fiancée's life. I cry because my Olivia could have been killed. I cry for my best friend. And I cry because I can't fix this.

**This is going to be so hard for all of them :( What did you think of this chapter? Where do you think Casey went? Please leave me a review!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Thanks for all the follows and reviews :) Glad some of you are enjoying this! Here's your update.**

Olivia takes me right home. Neither of us speaks in the car on the way home. I don't think we know quite what to say. I keep a hold of Olivia's hand and while she drives one-handed; I'm so thankful she's still with me. I have no idea what I'd do if she were taken from me. All I know is that I wouldn't survive.

I feel guilty and selfish, and absolutely heartbroken over Amanda. I'm happy that my fiancée is alive and with me, yet Casey doesn't have hers. She was killed, protecting mine. It doesn't seem fair that I'm happy to be going home with Olivia. Casey will never be able to go home to Amanda again. But I also can't help my feelings. I know it our roles were reserved, Casey would feel the same way about Amanda.

I can't imagine how Olivia feels right now. She always holds everything in and takes everything on for herself. I know it's going to take a lot for her to open up to me and tell me how she's feeling. Amanda had been her friend too, and Amanda died protecting her. It's not going to be easy to live with that and I intend to do everything in my power to prove to Olivia that what happened was _not _her fault.

As soon as we get home, I check the guest room to see if Casey came over. Her car wasn't in the driveway but I thought maybe she would have taken a cab or gotten a ride from someone. But she isn't here. She had been so upset when she ran out of the courthouse; she shouldn't be alone right now.

I have my phone to my ear as I come back into the living room. Olivia is sitting on the couch, staring off into space. She hasn't even bothered to remove her shoes and jacket. She looks up as I enter and pulls herself upright. I'm trying to call Casey, but her phone goes to voicemail. I disconnect the call and start to compose a text. "Casey isn't answering her phone. Where do you think she went?"

"I don't know, but I think you should let her be, Alex. Don't pummel her with calls or texts."

I raise my head and look at Olivia, frowning. "I want her to know that we care and we want her to stay with us. How am I just supposed to do _nothing?_"

Olivia sighs and leans forward on the couch. "You aren't doing anything. Casey knows we care; you asked her to come stay with us. You can't really do anymore, Alex. I know you want to…but you can't. Leave her be and she will come over when she's ready."

I slip my phone back into my pocket and sit beside my fiancée on the couch. I know she's right, but this hurts so much. We were supposed to be in the Hamptons, having a relaxing and sexy weekend together. Amanda and Casey were supposed to be at our house, doing the same. The fates sure can be cruel.

As long as I've been with Olivia, I have always worried that something like this would happen. That she would be hurt, or possibly killed, or have to see someone she cared about be killed. Not a single day went by that I didn't worry about her. My heart would leap into my chest anytime the Captain would come to see me or call my cell phone; I was always afraid he was going to give me the worst news of my life. How am I ever going to let her go to work again? How am I ever going to let her out of my sight?

And today my worst nightmare nearly came true. Today I almost lost my fiancée.

I lean into Olivia, and she's wraps her arm around me, smoothing my hair back with my hand. There are things that need to be discussed and I don't want to be talking about. I just want to hold Olivia and have her hold me and find out this was all a nightmare.

"We'll have to find Amanda's sister," I finally tell Olivia, to which I can feel her nod. "Amanda didn't really have family; it's going to be up to Casey to plan her funeral and memorial. She's going to need us to help her. It's a pretty tough thing to have to do on your own."

Olivia kisses the top of my head. "We will, baby. We'll help her."

I'm trying not to cry again, but Olivia's use of my pet name breaks me. How close I came to never being called baby anymore…

My thoughts turn from myself to Casey. I think about how she always came over and we would watch TV and do paperwork together until Amanda and Olivia were out of work. How Casey was always so happy and upbeat and would always cheer me up when I was in a bad mood. It was always nice having my best friend at work; she let me unload on her and on my bad days, she would tell me it was her mission to make me smile that day. And she always did. I think about how she and Amanda would double date with me and Olivia and how happy it would make me to see the two of them together. I was happy my best friend found someone to love who loved her back just as much.

And now all that is gone.

"This is so unfair," I sob to Olivia. "I hate this so much. I miss Amanda, and I feel so fucking bad for Casey." I don't usually swear, but when I do, I _really _mean it.

Olivia leans down and kisses me again. "I know, Alex. It's the worst. Words can't even express how wrong it is."

I pull myself up off Olivia and I look her in the eyes. All that is reflecting back at me is pain and sorrow, and it breaks my heart to see that. I reach out and touch her cheek and she closes her eyes in response to my touch. "I came so close to losing you today. How would I have gone on without you? I was always afraid something like this would happen. Olivia, you can't do this to me."

Olivia picks up my hand and kisses it. "But you didn't lose me; I'm still here. I'm always going to be here for you, baby."

My eyes fill with tears. "But if Amanda hadn't been there…"

Olivia closes her eyes again. "She saved my life, and that's a debt I'll never be able to pay." She pulls me close to her and places my hand on her chest. "Feel that? It's my heart beating. I'm alive, and I'm here. I'm never going to leave you, Alex."

We both start to cry and I allow Olivia to take me into her arms. Olivia always keeps her promises, but I know that's one that could easily be broken.

* * *

Neither Olivia or I sleep that night and we're up before five AM, trying to make sense of everything. The Captain, Fin and Nick had come by the apartment and brought us breakfast and had flowers for Olivia. Fin was a wreck; Amanda was like his little sister. He couldn't hold himself together, which was making things difficult for Olivia, so he excused himself while the Captain and Nick stayed and visited for awhile. I had asked them to go by Amanda and Casey's apartment to check and see if Casey was there, but Nick reported back that she wasn't.

We don't leave the house all day. Olivia doesn't even get dressed. She's barely said a word all day and my heart breaks to know of the internal struggle going on inside her.

I had hoped Casey would at least text me back. I have been so worried about her, hoping she didn't did anything regrettable. I decided if I don't hear from her by tomorrow, I'm going to go look for her.

But a little after nine PM, Casey walks into our living room.

We both see her at the same time. I get off Olivia and jump up off the couch, surprised. I hadn't heard her come in. "Casey! I'm so happy you came."

She looks rough. She's still wearing the suit she had on when I gave her the news about Amanda at the courthouse. She doesn't look like she's slept, and her eyes are red and puffy. I go to her and give her a hug. She makes no effort to return it, and she feels empty and weak.

When we break apart, I carefully smile at Casey. I'm glad she's here, but I know I have to say and do the right thing or she'll be gone again. I stand there looking at her, deciding what would be the appropriate thing to say. Olivia comes over and gives Casey a hug as well.

I have never felt more useless than I feel at this moment. I'm so used to my words and actions making a difference. But nothing I could say or do right now is going to make a world of difference for Casey.

I think Olivia is as lost as I am. We're both standing on either side of Casey and I'm afraid we're crowding her. But it doesn't seem right to just leave her standing there alone. And then finally, she speaks. "Olivia," she says softly, her voice low and hoarse, probably from all the crying she's been doing. "Were you with Amanda when she died?"

Olivia looks like someone just punched her in the stomach. It takes her a few minutes to respond, and then she only does when I reach out and place my hand on her arm. I can tell she's holding back tears as she touches Casey's shoulder and says. "Yes; she wasn't alone, Casey."

Casey swallows and I see tears welling up in her eyes but she manages to hold them back. Then she says flatly, "I need to know what happened."

This was going to happen sooner or later, and we both knew it. Olivia motions to the couch and tells Casey to sit down, that they will talk about what happened. I don't want to hover and crowd Casey, but I want to offer support to them both; Olivia needs it because this is hard for her, and Casey needs it because this is going to be hard for her to hear.

So I resign to sitting on the opposite side of Casey. I don't sit too close and I don't touch her, but I want her to know I'm here for her. I watch as Olivia struggles with telling Casey what happened. Reliving those terrible moments all over again. Casey listens intently to every word she says, and only looks away when Olivia gets to the part of Amanda being shot. "And you have him. He's locked up right now, right?"

Olivia looks at me before speaking, and I nod. She has to tell her; Casey deserves to know the truth. She's going to find out sooner or later anyway.

"He got away," Olivia says slowly.

Casey's head snaps back around so quickly I'm afraid she's going to break her neck. "He what? He got away? You _let_ him get away?!"

I knew that Casey was going to be upset, but I severely underestimated how angry she was going to be. I say her name and move to put my hand on her arm, but she literally pushes me away from her. The only person she wants to talk to right now is Olivia, and she makes that pretty clear. She jumps to her feet, turning angrily to Olivia. "Amanda died for you. She died protecting you and a stranger she didn't even know. She _died_, Olivia. Do you know what that word means? It means _gone. _She's not here; she won't ever be here. I will never see her again. And that's because of you. Because you let her die. And you let the man who shot her run away."

Olivia looks away, tears filling her eyes. "Casey, I - "

"No! You don't get to speak!" Casey practically screams. It's so loud and forceful that Olivia shuts up immediately. She isn't finished with her yet. "You're a coward, Olivia. Nothing but a coward."

I can't listen to this anymore. Casey is heartbroken and devastated and we all say things we don't mean in that state; I know that and so does Olivia. We both knew she was going to be upset and angry when she learned that Amanda's murderer ran away. My heart aches for her, but I can't sit here and listen to her destroy my fiancée either. "Casey, please stop," I plead with her, getting to my feet and facing her. "Please."

She spins around and faces me, scoffing. "You don't get to say anything either, Miss Perfect. You have this house and Olivia to come home to every night. It must be nice to be so fucking perfect all the time and have the whole world love you. Am I screwing up your perfect little life?" Her words hurt and make me flinch, but I keep reminding myself that she doesn't mean them. "I guess I messed up your perfect Hampton weekend, huh? No wait, that was Amanda. She screwed it up by dying while protecting your coward of a fiancée."

I never expected my best friend to speak to me in this way; I never knew she _felt_ this way about me. Did I rub my life in her face, in everyone's face? Did I flaunt it? I know I should say something, but all I can do is look at Casey with tears filling my eyes.

Casey turns back to Olivia. "Who shot her? I want to know his name. Who was it?"

Olivia hesitates.

"WHO?!" Casey screams.

"I don't know, Casey. We only had a description. We have the sketch out to all the news outlets, but we don't know who he is. We're trying, and we will find him. You just have to be patient."

"No; I don't _have _to be patient. You let him get away; he's on the loose because of you. He is going to rape some other girl, and shoot someone else's Amanda. He doesn't deserve to be free. He deserves to pay. He deserves to _die._ I will never forgive you, Olivia."

I'm too shocked to say anything, and Casey uses that to her advantage. She practically runs away from me to the staircase leading to our second floor. By the time I've snapped out of my daze and am able to function again, I'm halfway up the staircase after her. I know I should just let her go, but I can't. I catch her just before she runs into the guest room, grabbing her arm and holding tight so she can't brush me off this time.

"I know you are hurting, Casey. I know this is hard as hell. That's why I'm not going to blame you for what you said. But you have no idea how hard this is on Olivia too. She feels awful about what happened. She feels guilty."

"Good; she should feel guilty," Casey tells me flat out. "Don't make excuses for her. Amanda is dead, Alex. Dead." Her voice breaks on her last word, and she turns to look away from me.

My heart lurches and I force a small smile. "I know. I am so sorry. We both love you so much, Casey, and we want - "

Casey shakes her head and opens the guest room door. "I don't really care what either of you want. Just leave me alone. I only came here to find out exactly what happened and to get some sleep. Just leave me alone. This is something you don't control for once."

I find myself crying again. I feel so badly for Casey, and for Olivia. I can't imagine the pain they are both feeling. "I would do anything to make this better for you. What can I do to help?"

Casey considers my words for a moment. She looks away, and when she turns back around, tears are rolling down her cheeks. "Bring her back."

I have to close my eyes to keep from completely losing it. Any small bit of anger I had inside for what Casey was saying to Olivia has faded; Casey is completely broken and I know nothing will put her back together. "I - I can't," I confess sadly.

She scoffs again. "Then what good are you?"

I stand there defeated, sadly watching her go into the guest room. I know she's right; I'm no good, not right now. As much as I want to, I can't help. I have to respect her wishes and leave her alone.

Before I have to chance to walk away, Casey says, "I wish it had been you."

I turn around just in time to see the door slam.

**:( What did you think? Poor Casey, but poor everyone else too. This affects everyone. How do you think it's going to impact Olivia personally, and the life Alex and Olivia had planned out? How is Casey going to deal? I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Please review and let me know what you think.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Glad I have some readers :) Story will start getting good and a lot of action coming. Keep with it!**

When Olivia and I go to bed that night, I am positive that neither one of us will sleep, We haven't slept since this whole thing happened, each of us tortured by own demons.

I lay in Olivia's arms, neither of us speaking. I didn't tell her about Casey's outburst to me when she slammed the door. How she said she wished it was me that was killed and not Amanda. I can understand why she said it; but it hurt me nonetheless. Casey is my best friend and it hurts me to know she's even thinking that way.

"Alex," Olivia suddenly says. Her voice shocks me; I had been getting used to the silence that had befallen us these past couple of days. "I'm sorry that this happened."

It feels like someone is squeezing all the blood out of heart as I hear those words. I sit up and switch on the bedside lamp, gazing down at my beautiful fiancee. Her eyes are shimmering with unshed tears and the guilt and sadness I see in her eyes is profound. I hate seeing her like this. Olivia is the strongest person I know and right now she's been shattered, by no fault of her own. She's shattered and it's up to me to carefully put the pieces back together.

I lean down and capture Olivia's lips with mine. I love her so much that I can't put it into words. It's terrifying to think that I could have lost her the way Casey lost Amanda, that I came so close. That me being in this bed with her, kissing her, being held by her, is a miracle.

I lean back up and cup Olivia's face. "You don't have to apologize, because it isn't your fault."

Olivia shakes her head. "I shouldn't have let Amanda put herself in danger. It all happened so quickly...it should have been me who took charge, not Amanda."

"No; don't be saying that, Liv," I tell her in a stern voice. "Then you wouldn't be here with me right now. We wouldn't be planning a family, and I wouldn't have you to hug and kiss. I wouldn't survive without you, baby."

"But Casey was right. It was my fault that Amanda died. I let it happen. Everything she said to me was true."

A tear slides down Olivia's cheek and I once again wipe it away with my thumb. My heart aches so bad for my fiancee. "Casey is grieving. She's upset. Like you told me, being angry is part of the natural grieving process. She didn't mean what she said. And I'm sure that when things calm down for her, she will apologize to you. You're her friend, and you care about her. She knows that. You always watched Amanda's back when she was partnered with you, and you watched hers. What happened is what happened, and it's no one's fault."

I have to practice what I preach. Casey's words to me had hurt, but I can't hold them against her. And neither can Olivia. I put myself in Casey's place. If it had been Olivia who had been killed, I would have yelled at Amanda the way that Casey yelled at Olivia. I know that deep in my heart.

"I just..." Olivia trails off and pulls me down next to her. I nuzzle into her chest as she signs. "I wish I could take it back."

"You're going to take some time off, right?" I ask Olivia hopefully.

I should have known better. "I can't. I need to go back on Monday; we have to find the shooter. Fin, Nick and Cragen are working all weekend. I'm only home because they demanded it. But I have to help, Alex. We can't let this guy get away."

That's not what I wanted to hear. Olivia needs time to get over this, and rushing back to work won't help. But this isn't the time or place to discuss it, so I decide to let it go for now. We lay there comforting each other for hours, until the lack of sleep and sadness catches up to Olivia and she drifts off to sleep. I'm thankful to see her getting some rest; she had been up all night last night.

I know sleep won't come for me, so I carefully slide off the bed, being careful not to wake my slumbering fiancee. I step into my slippers right next to the bed and put my robe on, then I quietly exit the bedroom.

I hesitate at the foot of the staircase. I want to go up and check on Casey, but I know I would be unwelcome right now. Still, I want her to know I'm there for her. She really needs a friend right now.

I take a deep breath and climb the stairs, trying to be as quiet as possible as not to announce my presence prematurely. The hallway light is turned off, but I see light under the door of the guestroom. Casey is up. As I step close to the door, I can hear her crying on the other side and it once again feels like someone is squeezing my heart.

I knock on the door. "Casey? It's Alex. I wanted to make sure you're okay."

"Go away," comes my reply. I had been expecting that. "I don't want to talk right now."

I can't just walk away and leave her like this. I sigh and open the door, immediately finding Casey curled up on the bed hugging a pillow to her chest. As soon as she sees me, she turns around so her back is to me and mumbles something I can't quite understand.

It feels like someone is poking a dagger into my heart. I've never seen someone I care about look so sad. I'm not sure how close I should get, so I stop next to the bed. I clear my throat, trying to keep my voice steady. "What can I do for you? How can I help?"

"You can't," Casey says tearfully. "We've already talked about this."

"Do you want me to sit with you? We don't have to talk, but I can stay here with you for a while. You shouldn't be alone." I offer.

"I _want_ to be alone. I tried to go home. But Amanda is everywhere in our apartment and I couldn't - " she cuts herself off and starts to cry again.

I take a huge chance and sit down on the bed. "You can stay with us as long as you want. When you're ready, I'll help you sort everything out at the apartment." She doesn't have to ask me what I mean; she knows. She knows I mean I'll help her sort through Amanda's belongings with her. "And you're going to need help with the funeral. I want to help you, Casey. Tomorrow we will try to figure out - "

Suddenly, Casey sits up. It's such a quick movement that it startles me and I jump up off the bed. _"Don't _Alex," she spits out angrily. "Don't talk to me like that. Stop making it seem like I'm going to get over this in a few days. I'm not - I'm never going to 'get over this'. And I don't need your help with anything; I have everything handled." She turns away from me and lies back down, her back to me once again. "Go back to Olivia and leave me alone."

"Casey, I wasn't trying to upset you. I wanted to make sure you were okay in here, and I wanted to let you know I would help you. And I wanted to tell you to take a couple weeks off work; I'll cover you." I know my words will make no difference , but I say them anyway.

"Well, I'm not okay, and I don't need your help. So you can go now."

What choice do I have? I tell Casey I'm sorry and that I'm always there for her, and I leave the room.

Standing in the hall, I have never felt so useless and inadequate in my entire life. Two of the people I care about the most are hurting in an unimaginable way, and I can do nothing about it. Nothing I can say or do will help in any way. Casey had been right; what good am I?

* * *

Casey disappears again and we don't see her again for several days, until the day of Amanda's funeral and memorial. I only know what day it's on because Casey sent me one single text message, telling me the day and time and nothing else. I take the day off, as does Olivia and basically the entire SVU squad.

Olivia has of course gone back to work and claims to be 'fine', but I know better. The guilt of what happened is destroying her. They still don't have an identification on the suspect, but they are getting closer every day. There isn't one member of that squad that's going to give up.

Olivia pushed back our meeting with the adoption agency to next week; I'm thankful for this. We just have too much going on this week that I can't focus one-hundred percent on that right now. And it's something that deserves one-hundred percent focus.

Casey comes back while myself and Olivia are getting ready for the funeral. I'm relieved to see her; I had been worried, but also wanted to give her her space.

I get done in the bathroom and go to the guestroom to talk to say hi to Casey. She left the door open, so I take it as an invitation to go inside. I find her standing in front of the full-length mirror, wearing a black dress and applying makeup.

I find it strange that she's putting on makeup, but when I step up to her I realize why. She tries to turn away, to try and hide it, but it's too late - I already saw. "Casey!" I gasp, as I reach out and touch an ugly looking gash on her cheek. "What happened to you?"

Casey steps away from me and the mirror, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. She only does this when she is about to lie or is really uncomfortable. "Nothing; I just slipped on some stairs."

I don't believe her one bit, but an hour before the funeral of her fiancee is no time to interrogate her. "Where have you been?" I ask, trying not to sound accusatory.

She sits down on the bed and starts to put her shoes on. "At my parent's house."

Another lie; I know that's the last place she would go. It hurts me that she has to lie to me. I'm her best friend and I want nothing more than to help her through this. "Casey, I wish you wouldn't push me away," I finally tell her. "I've been giving you your space and I respect you need alone time. But I wish you would quit disappearing and let me and Olivia be here for you. Come back here with us after the funeral and memorial and just stay for a couple days. Let us be your friends; please, Casey." I sound pathetic and desperate, but I can't help it. I'm worried for Casey. Not just for the sorrow she's going through, but also for that gash on her cheek. That wasn't from a slip on the stairs, I'm sure of that. There's something she isn't telling me.

Casey finally meets my eyes and says, "I'm going to sit with my parents at the memorial, okay?" She doesn't even acknowledge my plea, as if I hadn't said anything at all. "Are you guys ready?"

* * *

We manage to get through the funeral. I'm surprised to find that Amanda's sister is not in attendance. I wonder if Casey got in touch with her and she just didn't care, or if Casey was unsuccessful. Both Olivia and I had tried to find her, but to no avail. I had hoped that Casey had better luck.

At the memorial service, Olivia and I sit in the second row next to Nick and the Captain. Casey is in the row in front of us to the right, sitting next to her parents. Olivia has been quiet since the service started. We sit there holding hands while friends and colleagues speak fondly of Amanda.

Finally, it's Fin's turn. My heart goes out to him as he takes he place at the podium. He and Amanda had been close. Amanda wrote this, for a just-in-case scenario. Which we've unfortunately faced." Fin's eyes fill with tears and he takes a moment to compose himself. "She left it in her desk and instructed me to read it if anything ever should happen to her." He cleared his throat and unfolded a piece of paper. _"So the worst has happened. And now you've all gathered to pay your respects. I'm not going to say don't be sad; just don't feel sad for too long. As I sit in my home I share with the woman I love, my heart is filled with joy thinking about all the happiness my girlfriend and friends have brought me through the years. I have enjoyed a life fully lived. I'm with a woman I fell head over heels in love with two years ago, and never fell out of love with. A woman I admired as much as I adored._"

I'm starting to weep as I listen to Fin, and I sneak a glance at Casey. She's started to cry as well, and her parents are making no attempt to comfort her. My heart just aches for her, and Olivia slides her arm around my shoulders, as if to give me strength.

Fin continues. _"A woman who made me laugh, made me think, made me curse on occasion," The room fills with a light-hearted giggle. "And always made me feel loved. Deeply, truly loved." Fin looks up and I can see him tearfully meet Casey's eyes. "Casey, no girlfriend was ever happier. I drew strength from you, even when you didn't know you were giving it. I have such faith in you, my sweetheart. To embrace life, and be the strong-willed, big-hearted woman I know you to be. No one has ever been prouder."_

The tears are coming freely now, and Olivia pulls me close to her. She's crying as well, and we cling to each other. All the while, my eyes are on Casey. I can only see her from the back, but I know she's having a hard time. I desperately want to go to her, but I know I have to respect her boundaries. And then she turns around and looks at me. It's very brief, but long enough for her tear-filled eyes to meet mine before she turns back around again.

And then I finally can't take it anymore. I turn to Olivia and whisper, "She needs us." Olivia nods slowly and gives no objection as I take her hand and we make our way up to the front row. We walk right past Casey's parents, and I can feel her mother's cold stare on me as I pass. But I don't care. If they aren't going to be there for Casey, then I certainly am.

Casey seems surprised to see us as we sit down in the empty chairs next to her. I sit next to Casey and Olivia sits on my right. Casey stares at us tearfully for several seconds, and then nods. In that instant I know we made the right choice. Olivia leans forward and reaches across my lap to take Casey's hand, and I hold on as well. "We got you, Casey. We're here."

Casey closes her eyes and nods and we go back to listening to Fin.

_"I'm grateful beyond words for my friends. We've always relied on each other, been there for each other, and loved each other. I only wish we could have enjoyed it longer. To my family and friends, here is my last wish: Live life to the fullest, continue loving one another. That is what makes life complete - love. Thank you for filling my life with so much of it. I love you all." His voice cracks and it takes him a moment before he can continue. "Casey, these are my last words to you; if hands can reach out from beyond this world, mine will always be in yours."_

This is when Casey completely breaks. She bursts into fresh body-wracking tears, and I place my hand on her back and tell her it's okay even though I know it's not. To my surprise she turns to me and before I can react, she's sobbing on my shoulder. My heart is breaking with every sob, and I keep telling her that we're here and we won't leave her. In between sobs Casey says, "I'm so sorry, Alex. I'm so sorry for what I said."

"It's okay, Casey. I'm not upset about it. Everything is okay." I continue this mantra while Casey cries, and Olivia gets up and sits on the other side of Casey so she can comfort her too. I'm momentarily confused until I realize that Casey's mother vacated the seat next to her. I fill with anger; how could she just abandon her daughter like that?

I let Casey cry herself out on me and when she pulls away, she gives me a small appreciative smile. She looks at Olivia as well and nods. I feel myself relaxing a little. Of course this is going to be difficult for her. But at least she's finally letting us help her and not pushing us away.

Casey lets go of our hands, and as she wiped her eyes I notice she's still wearing her ring. That's enough to nearly make me cry again, but I hold myself together. It seems impossible that Amanda proposed to Casey and the next day she was gone. Impossible and wrong.

The time comes for Casey to speak. Watching Casey standing at the podium trying to gather the strength to speak about her dead fiancee is the most heartbreaking thing I've ever seen. She's crying and desperately trying to pull herself together long enough to speak. I turn my head to look at Casey's mother, who is watching her daughter struggle with no reaction whatsoever.

"Amanda," Casey begins, her voice crackling. "You asked us to celebrate today, not to mourn. Well we'll try. It's not going to be easy, though. There's so many things that I'll remember about you. Your smile, your laugh. How your hand fit perfectly in mine and the feel of your arms holding me at night. But mostly, I'll remember you for the wonderful person you were. I only hope that I can be as good a person as you. Because it's the only way I'll ever be able t move on. I will never get over losing you. I'll miss you every day. I love you." Tears fill her eyes again and she looks down at the ring on her finger. It feels like someone ripped my heart out. Watching someone I love suffer so much is extremely hard; I wish so much that I could make this better. Olivia reaches over and takes my hand, giving me a reassuring squeeze. I know she fees just as bad.

Casey finally looks up and begins to speak again. She holds her hand up to display her ring. "For those of you who don't know, we were engaged." Her voice breaks, but she stays strong. "I didn't get a chance to tell many people...we just got engaged the night before….before." She stops and takes a deep breath. "The night before -" She shakes her head and tips the microphone down, her hands shaking. "I'm sorry - I can't do this. I'm sorry." She breaks down again, in front of everyone. The room grows silent and I'm disgusted that no one makes any attempt to help her. So I get up and walk up to the podium, putting my arm around Casey and walking her back to her seat. This time she doesn't fight me off. I shoot her mother the angriest look I can as we go to sit back down. But Casey won't sit. Instead she excuses herself and dashes out of the room.

I give her about one minute before I follow her. I instruct Olivia to stay put and I make my way past several sets of curious eyes as I run out of the room. I'm pretty sure I know where Casey went, so I head right out the front doors of the church. And I don't have to go far to find her. Casey is sitting right on the front steps, not properly attired for the cold weather. She's hugging herself and turns to look at me as I carefully sit down beside her.

"This isn't fair," Casey says, tears running down her cheeks as she looks away from me. She's embarrassed about what happened in the church, and she shouldn't be. I can see the gash on her cheek showing itself behind her makeup job, but I try not to stare.

"No, it isn't," I agree.

Casey looks up, shaking her head and looking at something in the distance. "Before the service started, this woman I've never even met said that Amanda is in a better place. How does she know that? How does anyone know that? Why do people say that? It's so stupid!" She starts to cry again and angrily looks away. "Her place is here, with me."

My eyes are watering but I will myself to stay strong. Casey is absolutely right; none of this is fair and Amanda should still be here. They should be walking down the aisle together, ready to spend the rest of their lives joined as one. Amanda was taken away much too soon.

"I'll never get a cute text message from her again. She'll never pop in my office to take me to lunch. I'll never touch her or have her touch me ever again. We'll never have a wedding, or a family. We'll never grow old together." She wipes her eyes again, and then turns and looks at me with the saddest eyes I have ever seen. "Why did she have to die?"

I have no answers for her. Things like this can never be explained, because there is no logical or fair reason. "I don't know, Casey. But you know she loved you. You know she'll always be with you in your heart." What a terrible thing to say. Just as bad as she's gone to a better place.

Casey is staring off in the distance again. "We're going to find who did this. Even if I have to do it myself. And he's going to pay for killing Amanda."

"We'll make sure he's prosecuted to the fullest extent," I promise. "He won't get away with this."

"No; he won't," Casey concurs. "_I _will make him pay. If it's the last thing I ever do."

Before I can respond, she gets up and goes back inside the church. I don't follow right away. I sit there, absorbing Casey's words. Something about the way she said them makes my blood run cold.

**So what do you think? How is this going to ultimately going to affect Olivia? And what is Casey planning to do? Alex is stuck right in the middle, needing and wanting to be there for Olivia and for Casey. It's bound to take a toll after a while. How do you think she will handle it? Leave me a review and let me know what you think!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Sorry for the delay in updating. Hope you enjoy this!**

It's been a week since Amanda's funeral. Things at work have been hectic. I've been doing twice my normal load, taking over Casey's cases in addition to my executive ADA duties. I've pulling some pretty late nights and by the time I get home, all I want to do is sleep. Olivia and I have to keep cancelling and rescheduling our appointment with the adoption agency, so we've decided to put it out a month or so. Let things calm down and return to normal.

I feel badly that the Hamptons weekend I planned for me and Olivia didn't get to happen, so I've rescheduled it for this coming weekend. Hopefully no further tragedies will befall us and we will be able to actually go.

Casey is still staying with us, but I haven't seen much of her this week. She never responds when I text her during the day while I'm at work and mostly just stays locked in the guest room and tells us to "go away" when we ask her how she's doing. I had been worried she hadn't been eating and so I got her a pizza yesterday. I was relieved when I noticed most of it gone from the fridge this morning. She goes out at night – late at night – but I don't know where she goes.

People grieve in their own way and on their own time. I feel terrible that my best friend is hurting so badly and won't let me help; but I know there isn't much I can do right now. I keep telling her I'm there for her and when she's ready, I know she'll come to me.

I'm very worried about Olivia. She refused to take any time off and has been working herself way too hard. The whole squad is working double overtime to help find the coward who killed Amanda. They have some leads so far, but nothing concrete. Olivia always puts up a brave front and tells me "she's fine" but I know deep inside that she's still wracked with guilt. I wish she would open up to me about it. I really want to suggest she see a therapist; it worked for me when I was living in Wisconsin. But it's a very delicate subject and something I don't want to just bring up. I'm hoping this weekend in the Hamptons will get her mind off things. Hell, we both need it.

It's nearing seven PM and I'm just finishing up paperwork when my cell phone rings. The number is unfamiliar and not in my contacts list so I frown as I answer. "Alex Cabot."

"Miss Cabot, hello. My name is Laura and I'm calling from Manhattan Memorial Hospital Emergency Room." My heart sinks to my toes. _God, please, no…don't let anything have happened to Olivia…please._

"What happened?" I manage to choke out around the knot in my throat. I have never been more terrified than I am at this moment.

"I have a Casey Novak here who we have treated for a broken hand. She can't be discharged unless she has someone pick her up due to the painkillers she was given, and she asked that I call you."

I start to shut my laptop down, feeling instant relief that Olivia is safe and glad that Casey wants me to help her. "Yes, I can come get her. What happened to her hand? How did she break it?"

"I wasn't given that information, I'm sorry. But she's ready to be discharged whenever you can get here."

It takes me about fifteen to get to the hospital. As soon as I enter the waiting room area it gives me a shiver; I despise hospitals. I glance at the group of injured and sick people waiting to be seen as I approach the front desk. I tell the receptionist who I'm here for and she gives me Casey's room number and points down the hall. I find it easily, and enter to find Casey sitting on the first bed. She has a cast on her right hand and looks up at me as I enter. I can't help but notice how pale she is and the way her eyes are glazed over from the pain medication.

I don't want to assault her questions so I stand next to the bed and nod towards her cast. "Does it hurt?"

"Not anymore," she tells me. She picks up the discharge paperwork that is sitting on the bed beside her. She is doing everything to avoid looking at me for too long. "Thank you for coming. I'm sorry you had to."

"It's okay," I tell her. "It wasn't a problem at all. I'm glad you're okay. What happened?"

She looks down at her hand. "I punched a wall instead of someone else."

I'm shocked at her words and don't really know how to adequately respond. That's not like Casey at all. "Oh. Well, I'm glad you didn't hit anyone." I sit down in the chair next to the bed. "Do you want to talk about anything? Where were you when this happened?"

Casey shakes her head and hits the call button on the bed. "I don't want to talk about it, Alex. I'll let the nurse know I'm ready and you're here so we can go."

I sit and wait while the nurse explains Casey's discharge instructions to her. Casey barely pays her any attention and before long we are in the elevator riding down to the lobby. Casey is lost in her thoughts again and acting as if I'm not even there.

When the doors slide open and we exit the elevator, I tell Casey, "We'll stop at the pharmacy and get your prescription. I have a feeling you're going to want those pain meds." To my surprise, she doesn't fight me.

She tells me what pharmacy she uses and I tell her to wait in my car while I run in to get the prescription filled. Casey hadn't said a word since we left the hospital. She does as I ask and as soon I turn the prescription in and take a seat in the chairs by the medication pickup window to wait for it, I call Olivia.

"Hey baby," she answers. "You done with work?"

"Yeah; I had to go pick up Casey. She's was in the emergency room. She broke her hand, she said by punching a wall. How are you? Are you going to be finished soon?"

Olivia is silent for a moment and then says, "She punched a wall? Is she okay?"

"She seems to be. I'm picking up her pain meds then I'm going to try and talk her into watching a movie with me at home. Do you think you'll be coming home soon? We've been working so hard we have barely seen each other this past week." What a stupid thing to say. There's a reason why we have been working so hard this past and neither of us wants to say it.

"I'm going to be late tonight. We're investigating another lead. It will probably turn out to be a dead end like the others, but there's always that chance." She pauses. "I miss you, baby. I'm taking the weekend off like you asked."

I find myself smiling for the first time in a week. I don't want to blow the surprise, but I want her to know that I do intend for us to be together. "I'm so glad you're taking it off! We're going to have a great weekend."

I can actually hear a smile in Olivia's voice. "What do you have planned? Should I be worried?"

"You should only be worried if you cancel on me," I tell her. The pharmacist waves at me to get my attention and I nod at him. "I have to go. I love you, Liv. I'll see you tonight."

"Love you too, Alex."

Hearing Olivia say those words to me always makes me feel better, despite what's going on. I feel on top of the world, special, all because Olivia Benson chose me. Out of all the people in the world she could have chosen, it was _me. _And I guess that does make me special.

I pay for Casey's prescription and head back out to the parking lot. It's getting colder so I tighten my scarf and when I'm just a few feet from the car, I stop dead in my tracks. Casey is crying. I can see her in the light from the parking lot lights, her good hand against her face as she leans forward and cries. She hasn't noticed me approach yet. My heart breaks for her and I know that if I get in the car now it's going to humiliate her. I'm just about to retreat when Casey looks up and sees me. She quickly sits upright and wipes her face with the sleeve of her coat.

I can't really turn around now so I plaster on a reassuring smile and get in the driver's side. I can't pretend I didn't see her crying. I had left the car running so the heat would stay on, and I turn down the radio so I can talk to Casey. I hand her the bag containing her medication and gently ask, "Are you okay?"

"You know I'm not, Alex," she tells me truthfully without even turning to look at me.

I know it's true. How could you ever be okay after losing the person you love? I know I couldn't be. I can't even imagine how difficult things are for her. I can't really blame her for hiding away in the guestroom all the time. How could you possibly want to move on after such a loss?

I look away, feeling a knot form in my throat again. There's not really anything I can say that will make her feel better, and I know it. "I'm sorry, Casey. I really am. About your hand, about Amanda, about everything. I wish I could make things better."

She nods slowly and leans against the car window. We sit in silence for a moment until I turn the radio back up to where we can hear it and pull out of the parking lot.

"I thought maybe we could watch a movie. Those pills will probably make you tired, but we can watch something until you fall asleep. We could even do a _Once Upon a Time _rewatch." I'm willing to watch anything, really. As long as it means she won't lock herself away in the guestroom and cry for one night.

"I need you to drop me somewhere," Casey says, still leaning against the car window.

Maybe she wants to go back to her and Amanda's apartment. Maybe she feels she's ready. "Where's that?"

"Stan's," she answers, without any hesitation at all.

I frown deeply. Stan's is a local bar. "Casey, that's not a smart idea. You shouldn't be drinking with that medication. And you just broke your hand; you need to rest."

"I'm not going to drink. I'm meeting someone there."

I'm still not keen on the idea and I make that very clear. "I really don't think – "

Casey turns and looks at me. "I wasn't seeking your permission, Alex. Drop me there or pull over and I'll get out and walk."

I sigh. I definitely don't want her to walk with it being this cold and having a broken hand. If I just take her home, I know she'll get her car or take a taxi to Stan's anyway. So what choice do I have? I get in the turn lane and a few minutes later I pull into Stan's.

Casey mumbles a thank you and goes to open her door but I quickly hit the switch for the door locks, causing her to look at me in surprise.

"Look, just…" I trail off, not having the right words to say. I don't have a right to lecture her or tell her what to do. She's an adult. "Who are you meeting?"

"That's my business," she tells me.

I'm not used to being treated this way by Casey. She always tells me everything, just as I tell her everything. She always asks me for my advice before she makes a decision. And now it's like she doesn't even like me at all. And it hurts; it hurts pretty badly.

"Okay. You're right. But if you need a ride, call me, okay? No matter how late it is. I'll come and get you." I look down at her hand. That must hurt like hell. "And be careful, okay?"

She nods in response and after I unlock the doors, she gets out and hurries inside. I sit in front of the building for several minutes, considering what to do. I should go in. Find out who she's meeting and make sure she stays out of the trouble. But she would be furious with me if I did. Maybe I should park in the back and just keep an eye out. I look around. Stan's is a bit shady, which is why I typically avoid it. If Olivia knew I was sitting here alone in my car like this, she would have a fit. I know I have to go home. As worried as I am about my friend, I have to look out for myself too.

As I pull out of the lot, I vow to myself that I will find out what Casey is up to somehow.

**What do you think is going on? I'm curious to hear your thoughts! Leave me a review. **


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